So i finished my first T-shirt, love it, going to make more for friends, hopefully gain a profit from it

The essay is almost done, after that i can focus on/have no excuse to put off my comic book for Senior Seminar. fml.

have been sleeping less and less, nightmares have been coming back, but strangely, they don't scare me anymore. perhaps this is for the best, but it still makes me wonder why. hopefully i no longer have to fear the things i was once afraid of....but at the same time I'm disturbed at my indifference of such violent images. maybe being scared would be easier for me to handle.

maybe.

I'm so thankful for the people around me of late. I've made new friends, and they've been more than generous. one of them is even going to get me a 100 dollar gift of henna pens X_X (despite my insistence that any gifts at all must be either handmade or under 20 dollars.) and they've all been very supporting through a rough part in my life, though i doubt they know it. Other friends I miss, and i find myself thinking of everyone I've ever loved, and remembering them fondly.

Love has been a strange area for lately. never thinking myself to be the self-sacrificing type, I'm surprised in the situation right now. I become completely unhappy if i feel like i cant make the one I'm with happy, and it's infuriating. He and i are very very different, sometimes i even question the strength of our relationship, but when he smiles and i know I've made his day, I'd swear that the only thing left in the world is that moment in time. I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, I'm not sure if the only reason we're together is so i have someone i can make happy, and i don't know how i would be able to tell. but as of right now, everything is good and such thoughts don't have enough weight to be brought into consideration.

I've been sick the past couple of days, mostly due to stress eating away at my immune system, damn senior seminar and all its ungodly work. luckily i've been able to manage time to apply to colleges and babysit on the side, allowing me to make some much needed cash.

as of right now i have no idea how i'm going to pay for college. i have no money for it, other than the babysitting money i have right now. -sigh- financial aid isn't going to help much either. my parents are middle class, but definitely don't have enough to cover college expense. also finding a job is impossible right now. I'm still not 18 and no one wants to hire someone with no job experience right now. not that there's any time for me to be working a job anyway.

speaking of which, i'm going to bed, i have a 6 year old to take care of tomorrow morning.

much love

Lilly <3